I got really cranky this afternoon. I couldn't quite put my finger on the reason why, I just felt snippy and I had no patience. I didn't really have time to process why, I just was. So after I cooked dinner, fed Alexis, did the dishes, changed a diaper, vacuumed and started another load of laundry; I remembered I needed to put sheets on Alexis' bed. We started her first feed with her formula in her feeding tube last night and it didn't work out so well. She had terrible diarrhea this morning and it got all over her bedding. I grabbed some clean sheets from the linen closet and unfolded the first sheet. A flash of red caught my eye. Strange, the sheets are blue. I looked around and there lying on the floor was a tiny red velvet Barbie dress. It was mine from so long ago. It was my favorite. I held the soft piece of cloth in my hands and a rush of memories filled my mind. Dressing up my Barbies, taking them on adventures in their motor home, playing in the townhouse with a moving elevator and of course trips down the hall to visit Ken in the Corvette. I loved to play with my Barbies, they had parties, got married, had babies and always looked stylish! But as I continued to ponder, the tears started rolling down my cheeks. That little girl who had so many hopes and dreams, was long gone and an exhausted middle aged woman stood in her place. How could I have ever known what would become of my life. I was going to fall in love, get married and have children, but I was going to do it all! I was going to have an amazing career, marry the man of my dreams, have beautiful, clean, well dressed children and life was going to be sooo good. Then reality struck me right between the eyes. Marriages don't always work, fulfilling careers with great pay and benefits are hard to come by and children get messy, get fussy and are a lot of work. And Rett, well it wasn't even in my vocabulary. I certainly never imagined living in the"special needs" world, with gtubes, diapers, IEPs, and heartbreak.
Now I know why I was cranky. I can forge ahead, full steam and fail to acknowledge that life is hard, it's complicated and certainly not fair, but the emotions I stuff are going to creep up on me when I least expect it. There is one thing that little girl predicted right, I have fallen in love. Maybe not with the man and career of my dreams and 2 perfect, squeaky clean children as I had imagined, but with this crazy, unpredictable, roller coaster ride I call my life. I just need to slow down and and enjoy the victories, mourn the losses and just BREATH.
